Thursday, April 12, 2007

home sweet home

I had a mild mental freak out last week, quite possibly hormonal, and started looking online for a new house. RANDOM. But if you know and maybe even love me enough to follow my blog, you will not be that surprised. Im kinda impulsive? Well anyhow, it didnt hurt anyone and was free and interesting. So.....there was one online that claimed to have 5 bedrooms, garage, basement, yard, 1800 sq feet, very nearby alot of our friends. WOW, right? Maybe we are paying too much, maybe the market has changed, yadda yadda.


It was so sick. The guy showing it was so sick, scary, rediculous in his red sweatpants, dirty hands, and disgusting demeanor. I was greeted with "Which one are you?"....excuse me? "Which one are you, the 6 or the 630?" oh, I am the six thirty, sorry im a few minutes early..(?) "Well lets move fast, I gotta get back to Indiana" ....and I care because....???

So the house was nasty, miniscule, smelly, laid out almost exactly like our old place but...worse. Tiny living room, then tiny dining room, one tiny crooked-y bathroom off to the right with two tiny smelly bedrooms with "closets" with no doors on them, scary white and brass ceiling fans hung about 5 foot 6 inches from the ground...tiny rotten kitchen with creepy stairs behind the kitchen steeper than our old staircase, going waaaaaay up into the tiny tiny tiny 3 bedrooms upstairs. The front bedroom I couldnt stand all the way up in, the ceiling was so low. The basement was so low ceiling-ed, I politely declined the tour. The garage was waaaaay back in the yard and looked about to fall down. The "grass" was just patches of dirt. Yer Not Gonna Put up Some Big Bullshit Gazebo or Some Shit Back Here, Are you? was the jovial backyard conversation that tickled my ears from mister no name. Um, no, no gazebo, sir.

We ended up back in the dining room and I manage to say something about the little random built-in china cupboard being cute, to break the silence. This prompted mister man to say "You have no idea how much work we put into this place. no idea. you wouldnta even recognized it before we out all this work into it. New roof, had to redo it all...some really messed up shit went on in this house, really messed up." (please dont go on.....) "The mom was all messed up on drugs, you know, and once he left (WHO????????????) there was something really bad goin on in this house. You dont even want to know the half of it (youre right! stop!) They had locks on the outside of these doors right here, and right here, there was some child abuse or some shit, there was blood everywhere, on the walls, on the ceilings...."


this is what you tell your suppossed tenants!!!!!!!!!!!??????

He went on to tell me that a "Lady cop" lived next door but he severely doubted whether she was on the up and up " (?????????) that the people across the street were kind of wierd, the lady next door aint doin so good, but shes nice, and so on and so on

He randomly screamed at me "And dont ask me no questions cause I dont have no answers! You have to take that up with my old lady--shes the boss, shes the one, so dont ask me nothin and i aint guarnateein you nothin! I gotta get back to Indiana tonight! Im so tired, tired of all this shit, you know, we wanted to flip this house, I didnt want no parta this--and look at us now, were big landlords now, huh?"

I was slowly sliding out the front door....

His demeanor had gone from vaguely bushed to irate over the five minutes we shared, and I was starting to feel very very homesick and disoriented and not scared so much as really really silly and out of place.

My unease quickly tunred to happy happy joyous relief as I drove home to our awesome house.

I hugged the kids and strongly considered kissing the floors when i walked in.

I might always be the kind of person who likes to look, but I will never again pretend that this place isnt great. Wowee wow wow.


Wedgehead said...

OMG... I'm like Jim on the American The Office, when he does those 'stunned beyond belief' looks at the camera - because I can't believe your not taking the place. I'm sure theres something lost between your description and how the place really is. And in my experience, all land lords are fine upstanding citizens, he can't have possible been as bad as you describe. Can you post the link to the house? What city was it in?

Seriously though, I don't think I would have suck around as long as you did - wow, what a truly frightening experience.

Sgt Howie said...

You already know I've been dying for you to post about this. So funny and so very wrong.

Joy said...

Insane, right??

I'm telling you, this dude was OUT there. But by the time I got home sweet home, I was already laughing about it. I'll send u the link privately. It was kinda cute from the street!

Amanda said...

Well, at least now I know why you couldn't tell me the story in front of the kids.... soo creepy and gross.

"They had locks on the outside of these doors right here, and right here, there was some child abuse or some shit, there was blood everywhere, on the walls, on the ceilings...." "

Nice. Maybe Jake and I will go look at it since you aren't taking it.

Barbnocity said...

Totally freaky. I think the "House of doom" across the street from our house is empty again. But I am sure it is haunted by now.

:) Barb

CreepyUCMama said...

Hahaha...that's awesome. Those kind of things are so perfectly priceless creepy.

Joy said...

I still can't believe the whole thing. Insane.